As human beings who are given free will and the liberty to decide for ourselves, there are countless things we can disagree about. What you consider good may be, to others, simply terrible and unacceptable.
However, we have the natural tendency to try and influence others to conform to our beliefs, which, if we are not careful, may lead to unhealthy arguments. We sometimes fail to realize that this does not help at all. If we really want to have a positive impact and influence on others, we must begin with building a strong relationship.
Why arguing won’t work
Arguing puts the other party on the defensive. No matter which side of the argument you are on, the opposing view may not easily agree with your point, or worse, they may think you are quite set on putting them down, especially when you sound contentious.
Therefore, instead of making them see where you are coming from, you may cause them to build an invisible wall that is hard to penetrate, making it effortless for them to outrightly reject everything you say.
It is crucial then that we learn to influence by building a good relationship with the person you have conflicting views with. In fact, studies show that having a strong positive connection with people impacts the sway we have on them.
Some examples include a loving parent’s special bond with her children, sibling love, and deep friendships.The closer we are to each other and the stronger the bond between us, the greater our impact will be on the other person.
Sadly, having a solid relationship with someone is easier said than done. It does not come without difficulty, and won’t last long if we don’t nurture it. Though it may seem like some ties instantly develop, an attachment will not take root if we don’t care for it.
How to build a relationship that carries influence
Influencing is different from controlling. In a secure relationship, having an influence over another often comes naturally and there is no need to plan for it to happen. Hypocrisy has a way of showing itself, so don’t even try and pretend to care.
It doesn’t mean, though, that we do nothing to cultivate our connections with others but it does indicate that if you will try the tips listed below, it must be out of the desire to enrich your bond with the other person.
Listen to understand
Hearing is different from listening, since the latter is more of a skill. Many of us, when entering into an argument, will not really try and listen to understand. We only let the other party speak to show that we gave them a chance to say their piece, but we did not really pay attention to what they said because we resolved to stand our ground.
However, if we want to get to the root of an issue, we need to genuinely listen. Do not merely focus on the words that are spoken. Observe the body language, facial expressions, and try to read between the lines.
You may even ask clarifying questions to demonstrate your interest while also ensuring that you understand their point. Furthermore, be open-minded and ready to admit if you are wrong, or look into the matter deeper if you think that it has to be further evaluated.
When we listen, we have to stop ourselves from constructing counter-arguments in our heads while the other person is talking. Instead, patiently hear them out. The more we understand, the better we will see if there is truth to what is said. Do not instantly rebut, instead, encourage them to further elaborate their view.
When you let the other person talk, you are also enabling them to hear themselves and process their own thoughts. Allowing them to speak may even lead them to realize the flaws of their own argument, if any.
Learn to empathize
We often dismiss how the other person feels about the situation given that we may not be directly affected or simply because we have an opposing stand. But before we reject their view, we must first try to put ourselves in their shoes. We may contemplate and see if we experienced the same thing, how would we feel? How would we have reacted?
You may have gone through the same circumstances and been victorious, but there’s no need to rub it in their faces. We have different ways of coping and things affect us in varying degrees and for so many reasons, such as our past experiences and the principles we uphold. We must then practice humility by being sensitive to the other person’s feelings.
It is also crucial to not attack the person intentionally or even unintentionally. This means that we have to be conscious about our choice of words and our body language. When in a “conflict” situation, it is easy for the opposing party to judge our motives, so do your best not to give credibility to that assumption.
Live it out
As the adage goes: action speaks louder than words. We need to be cautious about how we conduct ourselves around people we want to win over, for whatever reason or purpose. It’s not that we must pretend to be someone else, because hypocrisy is even more abhorrent. Rather, we have to show in our actions that what we are standing for is something that is worth emulating.
We can’t persuade others to support our cause if they don’t see anything appealing about it. For example, we can declare that we believe in God, that He is the One who transforms, and that we hope that others will understand and accept this truth.Yet in our day to day life, we act as if there is no such Higher Power because we are no different from the unbelieving world around us.
Don’t get me wrong. As Christians, we are all works in progress, but if we remain to be the person we were before our encounter with Christ, we must examine ourselves if we really understood the Gospel and if we sincerely surrendered our lives to God, repented, and accepted Him as our Lord and Saviour. The Holy Spirit is so powerful that it is impossible for a person to remain unchanged once He indwells us.
What we believe in affects our words and actions. It goes for all other ideologies, not just for Christianity. If you say that something is beneficial for all, but others see that this belief is turning you into a hateful person, you will simply turn them off.
Give it time
Invest time with the people you want to influence. Why would they bother to listen to you if you are a person who had just popped into their lives? It could even make them think that you are just engaging them for your personal motives.
In the family, the more we create moments with our spouse or children, the greater our impact will be. Spending time is not merely being in the same place at the same time, but there must be interaction and intentionality.
The problem with many of us is that we want the change to happen instantly. We wish for the other party to embrace our views as soon as we’ve shared them, and we get pissed off just as easily when they don’t.
This scenario will likely happen if we do not apply the first three suggestions shared above. Relationships need time to grow. They often must be tried and tested. So, make sure that you consistently apply the preceding points.
Love unconditionally
Our greatest motivator in wanting to influence others must be love. We must not try and impact others with our words and actions for our benefit alone. Philippians 2:3-4 said: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Oftentimes, the best way to practice this is to choose righteousness over being right. We may say that we are trying to persuade other people from their beliefs because they are self-destructing. It’s a valid motive. We really must aim to intervene.
However, in our actions, we must ensure that we do them out of love. We must not let our emotions take over. Do not become enraged to the point of saying hurtful or threatening words.
Social media has become a very toxic place especially today. We see people fighting over ideologies and attacking each other. We even see children dishonoring their parents just because they want to change their thinking.
If we carefully examine it, this strategy actually backfires. The more we do this, the more the other party will reject us. We may coerce some to submit, but this will cause more serious problems in the future.
Therefore, we must not seek to influence to be proven right or because we feel that the alternative will make things worse for us. We must strive to sway people out of our love for them. Should we fail to change their mind, at least our love remains.
Also, we do not stop loving those with opposing views even if they reject our stand after all our efforts, because when they see that our love is genuine, we will surely leave an impression and will cause them to reconsider, sooner or later.
The Ultimate Influencer
It is not easy to do any of the above, but we know that there is One person Who can do all of them: Jesus. It will be impossible to do these things in our own power. We need the Lord to help us carry them out because only He knows how to truly listen.
He empathised with us by taking on human form. He gave us an example to follow by living out what He preached. He is always available for us and He loves us unconditionally.
God’s influence over us is because of our relationship with Him. The more we cultivate that connection, the easier it is for us to obey His direction because we understand that He wants the best for us. He never rejects our feelings, and He always understands where we are coming from. Therefore, we will be as effective in impacting others if we follow His lead.
Thus, before we even try to exert any effort doing anything to influence others, let us ask God first. Do not just pray to Him to change the person, but inquire upon Him to reveal what He wants to accomplish in that particular situation. We might be surprised to find out that, after all our stresses and heartaches in trying to change others, it’s us whom He really wanted to change all along.
The Fit Stewards 